Wounds are painful precisely because they point to something that matters deeply. We are hurt the most deeply in areas of ourselves that matter the most. This means that the stories of what mattered, but were lost, betrayed, discarded or forgotten, help us to recover what is essentially meaningful to us. It can also mean challenging archaic or outmoded, inherited rules and roles that no longer apply, through re-negotiation with the edge figures and core beliefs that have defined our unwillingness to engage with our unconscious.
Internal leadership is often defined and learned via important authority figures, peers, siblings and caretakers in our lives. This can also include political figures, be shaped by prevailing educational and religious norms, whether our home is at peace or at war, and whether power is wielded abusively, coercively or democratically. We tend to replicate these external leadership role models within the psyche, creating the extremes of constantly giving way to others, critical courtroom judges or disused ghost towns with nobody in charge. Either end of this spectrum often leads to anxiety, and many of us have internal leadership that lies somewhere along this continuum.
Uncovering the way in which we rule our psyches can be a radical moment in therapy; largely because that rulership often runs counter to our sense of identity. Most people do not secretly suspect that they are a ruthless army major or an ambivalent, absent president. In fact, it is usually a surprise for clients to even think about the type of leadership or political rulership that they practice internally. Uncovering wounds and understanding their nature and significance is not enough; we must also decide and put into practice the type of attitude that we wish to take towards our wounding, and thereby increase our internal compassion or increase our internal hostility to ourselves, and therefore to others.
Effective therapy both role models and enables that process of regime change. Our brains continue to have a degree of plasticity throughout our lives, and a therapist’s way of being and relating can have a profound impact on the way in which clients relate to their own wounded landscape, and in turn to the prevailing way in which they relate to what matters most, and therefore what can hurt the most, for others. The potential domino effect of passing on compassionate resilience within relationships can positively affect family life, friendships, work places and partnerships of all kinds. In this way, therapy is not just about the individual, it is about world work in that it encourages fair, informed, compassionate and decisive leadership in the people who choose to engage honestly and courageously with themselves.
