When Couples Wait for Rescue

Posted on 5th April 2023

Why do we find it so difficult to make decisions?  The frequent answer seems to be that human beings find decision making difficult because we are afraid of consequences. 

Many of us do not see decision making as an on-going navigation along life’s road, where we may need to double back, take an unforeseen route, or change direction if previous choices have not worked out the way we expected them to. 

When we come to a fork in the road, we can turn left down a path where there will be gifts and costs. Or we can turn right down a path where there will also be gifts and costs.  But we often dither around at the fork in the road, waiting for a third option to magically emerge – a path that will offer us gifts and NO costs. This ‘ultimate rescuer’ defence is a child-like hope that if we hold on long enough, a cost free rescue will be offered.  And it is this defence against the inevitable challenges that come with any decision, that keeps us stuck. 

This hope of a cost free option can also start to create doubts as to whether we have made the right choice after a decision has been made.  When we see something we want, and start to move towards it, we are immediately required to start making decisions about what to say yes to, and what to say no to, and then existential anxiety starts to arise.  Will these decisions start to cost me something?  Will these decisions bring pain, loss, disappointment, failure, humiliation?  We start to look for options that bring less risk, to ease our anxiety, and then we begin to imagine that the reason we are feeling anxious must mean that the thing we thought we wanted, is the ‘wrong thing’.  This is because we interpret anxiety and discomfort as an indication that our decision is ‘wrong’.  Or in the case of relationships, that the partner we have chosen is ‘wrong’.

For many couples coming into therapy, their main task is to increase their emotional intelligence through exploring their fantasies of a cost free partnership that does not require uncomfortable growth, compromises, disappointments, loneliness and fear of the unknown.  Couples are often seeking to squeeze a no-consequence option out of therapy, based in the hope that the therapist will change the partner into someone who brings more comfort and less disturbance. 

This means that couples can go through periods of disillusionment with the therapist, even hating the therapy at times, as they come to realise that therapy cannot ‘fix their partner’.  They are then faced with the decision as to whether to embrace the challenges and grow through them together. Some couples choose not to, and move onto another therapist in the hope of being offered the ‘ultimate rescue’.  Some couples make the decision to stay and learn more about themselves and each other.

Ultimately, partnership is about love – and love involves learning about each other and developing compassion for ourselves and each other.  It is always a growth filled journey, and there are no choices available that discount growing pains.  Understanding that frees us up to make decisions, in the full awareness that all decisions and all relationships, bring discomfort, growth and unpredictability. 

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